Memoirs of Light
by LaurieHime
Summary: At the end, Snape looks back at the events that brought him to the side of the light. SS, One shot.


**Authors note: Okay, so i know i've been away for a while and havent done much updating on my other stories. SORRY! I had a lot of personal problems going on in the real world and lost my motivation(and time) completely. Good news! I'm feeling inspired! So look for updates and new stories.**

**About this one shot!**** First thing you should know, this was a homework assignment my professor gave us in English. Pretty much, we were to choose a character from a book, choose an event in the characters life, and write a narrative memoir from his/her perspective. I chose Snape. :D I couldn't help myself!  
>If you are familiar with my stuff, you know i normally write extremely long one-shots. Anywhere from 10k-16k words. Sadly for me i didn't think my Professor would appreciate a 40+ page homework assignment. Hence the shortness. BUT i had a lot of fun writing this, and i figured since i don't actually have any Harry Potter stuff posted on this site i would go ahead and post this. I'm seriously considering going back and revising this, adding a LOT more to it. Tell me what you guys think?<strong>

**Disclaimer:**** If i owned Harry Potter, Harry would have died, there would have been no blasphemous epilogue, and it would have been all around dark and depressing. No "dark triumphs over evil" stuff for me. Everyone loves a tragic ending, right? Obviously, i don't, hence why i borrow J.K. Rowling's wonderful work.**

Memoirs of Light

I think constantly about the events that led me to switch sides in the war. It was the same ones that killed my one and only true friend, my beloved Lily. They also led to the downfall of the Dark Lord, a man who before then I had loyally followed.

Some people would probably pity themselves. I deserve none of that, not even from myself. My actions were detestable and unforgivable. It was because of my own pitiful desires for recognition and power that I all but handed Lily to the Dark Lord.

In the past two decades, I have served two great Wizards. In that time, I killed the one I was loyal to, and have received praise from the one I work to defeat. My allies call me foe, and my enemies call me comrade.

But how did I end up here? How much should I reveal to the boy who looks so much like my bitter child-hood enemy, but with the eyes of my dearest and only true friend? I suppose I should somehow show the boy the events which made me turn to the Orders side. It disgusts me, to think I must, but without his trust I won't be able to relay the message from Dumbledore to the boy. It's a pity; having to recall events that haunt my every dream, to have to tell of events that I'd rather take to the grave.

It was seventeen years ago, the year was 1980 and it was a cold, wet night. I was twenty years old and, at the time, and still a loyal Death Eater. I had gone to Hogsmead, Scotland in order to spy on Albus Dumbledore, the current Headmaster of Hogwarts. I heard from my sources that Albus would be conducting an interview for the Divinition position at Hogwarts at the Hogs Head Inn.

The Inn itself was a dingy and dark pub, with dirty floors and old damaged wooden tables. I knew immediately when I entered that Albus wasn't conducting the interview in the actual pub. I questioned my sources for a split second before placing a disillusionment charm on myself and inconspicuously walking toward to stairs.

As I walked down the dark, dimly lit hallway I heard a woman's muffled voice.

"Please sir!" She stated in apparent panic. "You must take my words for truth; I see the grim in your cup Professor! Death is in your future."

I crept closer and began to hear Dumbledores voice clearly. "Miss Trelawney," he replied calmly. "I thank you very much for your interest in the Divinition post at Hogwarts, and I know your great-great-grandmother was a very gifted seer. Skills I am sure you have inherited as well. As such, I don't think you possess exactly what I am looking for. I must bid you good day-"

It was at that point that I began to back away from the door, hearing his footsteps grow closer. As I was turning to walk away, I heard the woman's voice take on a strange tone, and she began to speak. It didn't take more than three words for me to realize she was making a prophecy, and as I leaned closer I overheard words that to this day I have never forgotten, words I will forever regret hearing.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"

It was after those words that my eavesdropping was interrupted by a hand grabbing my shoulder roughly and throwing me backwards down the stairs. Aberforth Dumbledore, the owner of the inn, had found me. He was enraged to see me spying on his brother, he was no fool. He knew the sort of people I associated with.

After he threw me out of the inn I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I immediately apparated to my master, Lord Voldemort, and relayed what I had heard of the prophecy to him. To my complete horror I learned that the Dark Lord thought the ones in the prophecy to be the Potters.

Lily, the woman I'd loved since we were mere children, was in grave danger due to my actions. I pleaded with the Dark Lord to spare her, take the lives of the child and father, but leave her. He told me that as my reward for bringing him the prophecy, he would attempt to spare her for me. But I knew there was no guarantee.

I made my decision to go to the only other wizard I feared deeply besides my own master. The same man I had been spying on, Albus Dumbledore himself.

I spent only a few hours arguing with myself. Surely the man would want to kill me on sight? I was not only a known Death Eater, but no doubt he knew of my spying on him. It took only a few deep breathes before I decided that Lily's life was vastly more important than my own pathetic existence.

With a pop I felt my body begin to squeeze smaller and smaller, until it felt as though it were going through a small tube, as i apparated the closest I could to Hogwarts and began walking along the rocky hills on the edge of the forbidden forest. My hands were clenched so tight the knuckles were turning white. My knees felt shaky, and my legs all together felt somewhat like they had a jelly-legs jynx on them.

It took about 5 minutes before I felt his presence begin to bear down on me. It was so strong that I immediately felt my stomach flip in fear. The hair on my arms and the back of my neck stood straight up, as a frightened cat's would. Chills spread down my whole body, and the air began to feel heavy, as if Albus's vast power was choking me. His disgust and contempt towards me could be felt before he even arrived.

No sooner had I pulled my wand out did a blinding white light fill my vision. The pressure became too much for my already unstable legs to handle. My wand flew from my hand right before my knees hit the ground.

"Don't kill me!" I cried in fear.

"That was not my intention." I heard Dumbledore say as he appeared in front of me. To me, he appeared more fearsome, more formidable than he ever had in my school years. I wasn't a fool; I'd heard the tales of how he defeated Grindelwald. I knew that he was the only man the Dark Lord feared. But as I looked up and stared at the man, I saw power. The kind of power I'd always desired. This man, he'd gained power and respect you could only wish for. Not by doing Dark Magic, not by prejudice or murder. No, he gained it by doing great things, by his intellect.

I'd long begun to question my decisions by that point in my life. I questioned them in school when my associations made me lose Lily, only for them to solidify with the bitterness and anger I felt afterwords. I'd questioned them after joining the Dark Lord, as I finally felt the mental ramifications of what I was doing in his service. But by then it was too late, nobody leaves the Dark Lord's ranks alive. But, as Dumbledore questioned me on what message I brought him from my master, I couldn't help but feel disgust. Of course he would assume I came with a message, what else would he assume of a Death Eater?

As I had already guessed, he knew of my spying on him. He asked me how much I had passed onto my master. In my panic I told him, everything. I begged him, pleaded with him to save Lily, to protect her, only for him to throw in my face how I could just ask my master to spare Lily in exchange for the child.

The response he gave me in exchange for the confirmation that I had indeed already asked the Dark Lord of that was nothing more than I deserved.

"You Disgust me." He said, with enough contempt to hit me like a physical blow. He then continued to point out that I was selfish. I didn't care about who died, even if it included her husband and son, as long as I got my way and she survived.

He was right. The next thing I told him, forked the road that, until then, had previously had no other direction in which I could go.

"Hide them all." I said pitifully. "Keep her, them, safe. Please."

"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"

My response set me on that new path. A path I have continued on to this day.

"In return? Anything."

That night was a major life changing event for me. At first, my decision to join the other side of the war was only to protect Lily, but eventually it became a path I honestly desired. I no longer wanted to blindly follow a mad man, especially when that mad man wanted to kill the only good, healthy relationship I'd ever had in my life.

Eventually my reasons for being a spy changed again. The order failed to protect Lily. She died, and I only wished I could have died as well. I felt I had nothing to live for anymore, until Dumbledore convinced me otherwise. Now, I fight for redemption, something I know I will never have. I fight because of the guilt that my actions killed Lily. I fight to protect the boy, even though I can barely stand the sight of him, let alone looking into his eyes. Maybe, Lily could have found a place in her heart to have forgiven me, had she known how far I would go to protect her son for her. That is all I have now, her memory. I promised Dumbledore the night she died that I wouldn't let her death be in vain, for we both knew that one day the Dark Lord would return to finish the job.

So here I sit, in the office of the only man who knows my true loyalties. Something he took with him to the grave. I hold the title that I stole from him under his orders. I can only hope that the boy succeeds in defeating that abomination of a Wizard. Maybe, the end of the war will also lead to an end for me, and I could finally be at peace. After all these years of atonement for my wrong doings, it would be a relief.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading my silly little homework assignment, i hope it is as enjoyable to read as it was to write! I love constructive criticism, so please if you have any pointers, or saw any mistakes PLEASE tell me! I have no Beta and all it can do is help me to become a better writer.<br>So, edit this and make it longer? yes, no?**


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